Ever get that feeling that someone is watching you? That prickly feeling at the nape of your neck?
Do you ever feel like you have ants under your skin? The constant need to claw that itch that never ever leaves. Checking your skin just in case you actually do have ants on your arms.
That feeling when you’re up really fucking high and you look down and your stomach goes drops to your stomach. It’s totally like ‘nah mate goodbye’ and you’re suddenly hollow. Your heart seems to have the same idea and practically disappears, which of course makes it go into a beating frenzy because you’re suddenly afraid that your heart stopped. Your eyes are watering and suddenly you can’t see. Is it just tears or have you actually went blind? Were you asleep and you’ve just woke up in your dark room at 3am? Your lips are dry. Chapped. Bitten and bleeding. Your fingers freeze up and help, how can I text someone to help me? How can I phone someone? But even then, your voice is gone. Croaky and raspy and nobody can understand you through your sobs anyway.
And where are your legs? In a far part of your brain you know that you still have legs. How else would you be standing? But are you actually standing? How can you tell, you still can’t see. You’ll have a rash on your chest or where the sweat gathers. Somehow always getting a boob rash even though you barely have breasts in the first case. Everything is loud. It feels like you’re hungover. Your head is pouding and omg the questions. Go away. Go away. Go AWAY. Your stomach rolls and you dry heave…even in public. You bite your tongue in your efforts and taste blood which of course, makes you go again. You’re dimly aware of the attention you’re getting. (Unless you’re alone, which is somehow worse)
You’re cold. You’re hot. And suddenly that Katy Perry song is rattling round your head and you’re laughing. It’s hysterical laughter. Your breath catches in your throats and it’s wet. Your face is wet. Everything is so goddamn wet and what the fuck. Someone is handing you water or tea or something. You can’t get your hands to work. You can’t bring yourself to look at them. Someone is rubbing your back. Pulling you into a hug. Is it a stranger? Is it a friend? You’re not too sure. You don’t even know your own name and really. Who does that.
You don’t know how long you’re sat there for. But eventually the noises calm, your stomach stops and your hands start to shake. Your legs tingle because yay! You still have them. Your throats is drier than the desert and your eyes are gritty. You take the water or tea and take a small sip. Your breathing is slowly returning to normal and you suddenly feel so stupid. So weak. So angry. You get up as soon as you can and leave. Ignoring what happened. Refusing to face the problem which is totally stupid, by the way. How are you supposed to prevent further attacks if you don’t even acknowledge what happened? Ugh, you’re the worst.
Anxiety is different for everyone but for me that is a daily occurrence.
Don’t ever feel alone. Talk to someone. Even if you start out small. Nobody can do this alone, even the strongest. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to me, send me an email.
I’m here for everyone, no matter how trivial you feel it may be.
Love y’all – Bronwyn x